As height filters creep into dating apps and the age-old “tall, dark and handsome” ideal refuses to die, Independent readers have been sharing their painfully honest reflections on how our romantic preferences might be doing us – and each other – a disservice.
Our community were quick to weigh in on Helen Coffey’s provocative article, “Women who won’t date men based on height deserve to be single.” Coffey’s argument, that heightism is a socially accepted double standard often upheld by women, struck a nerve with those tired of seeing romantic preferences reduced to feet and inches.
Many readers called out the hypocrisy, pointing out that if men filtered women by body type or age so openly, the backlash would be swift.
Other commenters viewed the new filter as a sad symbol of how dating apps have commodified connection, encouraging users to shop for partners as if they were choosing a new phone or broadband package.
Yet not everyone saw height preferences as a problem. Some readers defended them as natural or instinctive, pointing out that many people can’t control what they’re drawn to – and that genuine attraction often resists logic or tidy checklists.
Here’s what you had to say:
Warped judgment of others
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I ask myself how some of the most beautiful women can be attracted to some physically undesirable men, but they are, and many make fine marriages. We are horribly judgmental when we should not be, especially when we cannot change our physical height or the way we look. Our mental construct that forms our warped opinions is just that – based on our cultural upbringing, never based on facts. Our warped judgment of others on how they look is to our detriment.
Fiore2021
How much does height matter to you when dating? Share your views in the comments
My business and no one else’s
I’ve always believed that the choice of a partner is one where you can use any criteria you wish and not be criticised for it. If I had wished to only date natural blondes, I would not have married my wife of nearly 50 years – but that would have been my business and no one else’s. People should make their own choices and live with the consequences.
BillS719
There are lots of doors shut to small men
I’m 5’0″ and happily married with four children. The fact is that height discrimination in dating is just a reflection of height discrimination in society in general. There isn’t an aspect of life where height discrimination doesn’t come into play – pay, promotion, politics, you name it, there are lots of doors shut to small men.
Hugh____Oxford
Fragile masculinity
“…Only 4 per cent of women, compared to 23 per cent of men, were open to a relationship where the woman was taller.” Is this statistic possibly a reflection of orientation rather than heightism alone?
On the subject of love conquering all regardless of relative heights, I’m a man who’s 5 foot 8, and my girlfriend is 6 foot. The only people who’ve ever expressed a view that it would be unacceptable for themselves have been male friends whose masculine self-identity is a touch more fragile than they hope to project.
UsagiSan
No need to demonise taller women
It’s evolutionary for women to want a ‘hunk’ for protection, etc. In today’s world, it is irrelevant, mostly. Plenty of fish in the sea, etc., etc. However, if you really love one, and she is taller than you, work at it, and she will appreciate it, and you will win her over. No need to demonise taller women who allegedly won’t fancy a shorter man than them.
AsICIt
Beauty is only skin deep
Whilst I abhor the shallowness of online dating and fully believe that beauty is only skin deep, I also don’t think we should be too harsh to people for having preferences over what they find physically attractive. Would anyone want to engage in a relationship with someone who didn’t find them physically attractive but carried on regardless just to assuage their moral compass?! I wouldn’t!
On a side note, why the constant disparagement of traditional gender roles in a household? My husband and I have pink jobs and blue jobs (admittedly, we don’t call them that), and I’m quite happy with it. We’re a happy, healthy family. I take a lot of pride in being the nurturer, the homemaker. There’s so much emphasis nowadays on men and women eschewing so-called “traditional” roles in order to conform to modern non-binary ideals that we’ve gone full circle. Wasn’t feminism meant to be about equity and choice?!
Sarahintheshire
Never fely my shortness was a handicap
I’m a short man, but I rarely notice the relative height of others. I guess, though, that people have their own tastes. Some people want partners shorter than they are, while others want taller partners. That’s just the way we are. I have never felt that my shortness was a handicap and feel I did fine with getting accepted by women who attracted me (some were taller than me, others weren’t).
Simplesimon
Height is never an issue
My wife and I are the same height – 5’7″. In high heels, she’s a fair bit taller. She was wearing high heels when we met at a wedding, but it was never an issue either way. One person/associate/friend of a friend commented, saying if I’m going to date her, I shouldn’t let her wear high heels next to me. I spat out my champagne in a hilarious fit of laughter, explaining – firstly, I’m not that insecure and I have no need to control, and secondly, it makes me feel great, so see you later, chap.
ElCardinale
Masculnity at its peak
I have been married to my wonderful wife for 27 years – she is 188 cm and I touch 180 cm on a good day… It has never been a problem – (as I normally say, “when lying down, we’re the same height.”) In fact, there is a fantastic picture of Carlo Ponti and Sophia Loren, who was quite a bit taller than him – and I always thought it was masculinity at its peak that a shorter man could win the heart of a taller woman. I have always been proud to accompany my taller wife, and I know she has never thought much about our difference in height.
Peter
The height issue does seem to have become much more of an issue
The height issue does seem to have become much more of an issue in recent years than we older people ever noticed when we were young.
In part, this may reflect the impact of internet dating and also that women no longer economically need to date “average men” or ensure that a man is a good long-term bet, so they can indulge their biological preferences more, which used to be men’s preserve.
Ron
Is it picky?
Is it picky to want a partner who is a suitable height for you? It makes all sorts of things easier. The night I met my husband, there seemed to be lots of tall men at the party, and every one of them wanted to dance with me and said the same thing (including my husband). It’s great to dance with a tall woman (I’m 5’11”).
no comment
Most of my mates wouldn’t date a taller woman
To be fair, most of my mates wouldn’t date a taller woman than they are. Sure some women wouldn’t date shorter guys, but let’s be honest, most women don’t care. It’s typically men who choose to make it an issue.
Tedd
A woman’s wicked prejudice?
Meanwhile, over 3/4 of men won’t go out with a woman taller than them – and yet this is a woman’s wicked prejudice? Do these men deserve to be single as well? That there is a general prejudice by society against short men is what the problem is. Remember Shrek, the film about not judging by appearances and not writing anybody off for being ugly? The villain was subjected to constant ridicule, not for being villainous, but for being short.
elvira123
Each to their own
Why are some people hung up about other people’s preferences? If you don’t want to date someone smaller than you, then fine; if you don’t like redheads, so what – each to their own.
Nigel Fromage
Allow yourself to be surprised
It’s not a sin to seek out the most desirable match in a partner. Still, people need to be sensible about their own desirability. Allow yourself to be surprised by unexpected beauty.
Wordee
Everything about dating is prejudiced
Prejudice? Everything about dating is prejudiced. It’s one of the few areas of life where judging people on their physical attributes, race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc., is totally acceptable. You are under no obligation whatsoever to give someone a chance when you’re really not attracted to them. What are we going to do – sue women who won’t date short men?
BigDogSmallBrain
Tinder has removed the humanity
If you use apps like Tinder to find dates, you’ve already removed much of the humanity and turned the experience into something akin to shopping on Amazon, so I guess height is going to be a thing for you. But of course, you’ll be judged right back on equally arbitrary characteristics.
Premium
I prefer shorter men
I think I’m one of a handful of females in the world who prefer shorter men. Not shorter than me, but just a few inches taller. I just don’t see the attraction in tall men, but I’m unique within my preferences and proud to be so.
Amy
‘Commodified relationships’
What’s wrong with women preferring to date taller or shorter men? It’s a personal preference for each woman… As long as there isn’t ill intent and blatant discrimination, personal preferences as to what men or women or trans people look for in a potential partner or date shouldn’t be a problem.
Arguably, the real problem is in how so-called dating apps and dating websites have ‘commodified’ relationships. Turning people’s interactions with potential partners or dates into a very cold, calculated ‘meat’ marketplace…
DisgustedOfMiddleEngland
Raising my anxiety levels
I am 5’7″ and my wife is 5’9″. The height difference was never an issue. More to the point, it never occurred to me that it might be, but after 42 years, thanks for alerting me and raising my anxiety level.
Kenhubert
Some of the comments have been edited for this article for brevity and clarity.
Want to share your views? Simply register your details below. Once registered, you can comment on the day’s top stories for a chance to be featured. Alternatively, click ‘log in’ or ‘register’ in the top right corner to sign in or sign up.
Make sure you adhere to our community guidelines, which can be found here. For a full guide on how to comment click here.
#typically #men #issue #Readers #weigh #height #obsession #modern #dating
