Most people in the early stages of a new romance look for evidence that confirms their compatibility. Not my husband and me.
Despite having chemistry, we started with the hypothesis that we weren’t a good match. We would discover a deal-breaker down the road — something big like how much money we wanted to give our aging parents or something small like what temperature room we like to sleep in — that would lead to our demise.
At the time, we were both tenured professors in the same academic department at the same university. If things went bust, it would be very uncomfortable to go to work each day. Academic jobs are hard to come by, which meant we might be stuck in that awkward situation for life.
So we created a list of questions, guided by basic principles of relationship science, that are critical for couples to openly communicate about if they want to know whether they’re really compatible. Unlike the questions you find on dating apps, they don’t apply to everyone. We tailored our list to us. If you’re making a list with your current or prospective partner, I’d suggest you do the same.
But to help you build your questionnaire, here are the main themes you should focus on, with a few examples to get you started:
money is a big driver of divorce. Couples fight over big money issues but also small ones, like whether they should spend money on a house cleaner. These issues can lead to a pattern of conflict that is tough to get out of.
Ask questions like:
- Do you like to spend money as you make it, or squirrel it away for later?
- How much should we each pay for stuff? Split dinners? Share costs of vacations?
sexual function, like the ability to reach orgasm.
Ask questions like:
- How do you manage workplace stress?
- How important is your job to your identity?
- How do you feel about making sacrifices for my career?
