Even the happiest couples encounter conflict. But what they fight about reveals a lot about what’s missing in the relationship.
As a psychologist who studies couples, I’ve found that there are a few similar topics that come up again and again. And the first step to resolving the conflicts is to know what those topics are.
According to a YouGov poll of 1,000 American adults, and based on my research, here are the most common reasons couples fight — and the psychology behind each one.
research, contempt is one of the most reliable predictors of divorce. Unlike overt criticism or stonewalling (shutting down emotionally), contempt disguises itself with non-verbal gestures and body language.
How to move past it: Resist the impulse to strike back. Fighting fire with fire never works, so try naming the effect instead: “That felt condescending. Can we try again?” This gives your partner the chance to course-correct, and it doesn’t instantly escalate things.
If you’re the one delivering the tone, check in with yourself before saying anything more. Are you feeling unheard? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Pinpointing what’s fueling the contempt is the first step to expressing yourself without hurting the relationship.
research, one partner in a relationship usually shoulders the bulk of domestic work. But they aren’t just folding the clothes and cooking the meals, they’re also managing appointments, coordinating the bills and keeping mental tabs on everyone’s well-being but their own.
This “invisible load” goes largely unacknowledged, and that lack of recognition is usually where the fighting begins.
How to move past it: This dynamic can often be changed if the load is named out loud. Even just saying, “I didn’t realize how much you were holding, thank you,” gives your partner the acknowledgement they’ve been needing to hear.
From there, work together to redistribute tasks in a way that feels sustainable. Fairness won’t look like a 50/50 split every day, but it should feel like something you both have a hand in.
