Parents know all too well what it’s like to deal with a kid who refuses to listen: It’s frustrating.
But after years of studying over 200 parent-child relationships, I’ve noticed something fascinating: Parents who rarely deal with defiance don’t make threats, bribes or harsh consequences. They use language that makes children actually want to cooperate.
Traditional parenting phrases (“Stop that,” or “If you don’t do this, then…”) often trigger a child’s fight-or-flight response, activating the part of the brain focused on survival rather than learning. But when we shift to language that honors a child’s autonomy while still holding boundaries, cooperation becomes natural.
Based on my research, and from practicing healthy habits with my own child, here are five phrases to avoid — and what to say instead.
Dismissing a child’s emotions teaches them that their feelings are wrong or too much to handle. Emotional invalidation leads to disconnection, and disconnected kids don’t cooperate.
When a child feels heard, they calm down faster — and trust you more.
emotionally safe and involved in the process. These phrase shifts are not just linguistic tweaks — they represent a deeper shift in how we view parenting itself. Instead of treating defiance as something to squash, we begin to see it as a signal: a call for connection, clarity or emotional support.
When we respond with empathy and leadership, rather than control and criticism, we reduce power struggles and raise children who trust us, regulate themselves more easily, and grow into emotionally resilient adults.
Reem Raouda is a leading voice in conscious parenting and the creator of FOUNDATIONS — the transformative healing journal for parents ready to break cycles, do the inner work, and become the emotionally safe parent their child needs. She is widely recognized for her groundbreaking work in children’s emotional safety and strengthening the parent-child bond. Follow her on Instagram.
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